You Don't Know What You Have Until It's Gone
by SaveTheDaleks
Summary: Clara goes through a horrible experience that helps her come to term with her feelings for the Doctor. Basically, I'm very sad about Matt Smith leaving so I wrote this to soothe my nerves and express my emotions. Rated T, whouffle, can make you cry, first part is sad, second is romance, regeneration, one shot, has a happy ending. Disclaimer: Everything belongs to BBC.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Hi. I'll start off with question: Am I the only one who is depressed about Matt Smith leaving? He had such great chemistry with Jenna Louise Coleman and he's leaving after only half a season... it breaks my heart, really. :'(

Anyway, I'm having trouble getting over the fact that Matt will regenerate soon. This is how I imagined what could a much more emotional goodbye look like. But is it really the end for them?

There's fluff at the end!

**Note: **_curved letters_ symbolize Clara's thoughts.

Anyway, I'll appreciate any form of reviews from you guys.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, credit for creating Doctor Who goes to BBC. If I had any influence over it, Matt and Jenna would never leave. :)

* * *

Clara was trapped. She was in the room with the last agent of the Silence in the universe. Their multi-century war against the Doctor was lost, as he brought them down, one by one. But now, Clara was trapped in a tiny glass-walled room with an eye-patch-wearing man that was at least seven feet tall. The man was holding out his gun: it had only one bullet left. Its barrel was pressed against Clara's mouth and there was nothing she could do. The man was laughing silently.

The Doctor was on the other side of the impenetrable glass, trying to find some means of breaking it. He was shouting at the Silence agent, but Clara couldn't hear anything - her heart was racing. _This is it, _she thought._ The Doctor is safe, and my story is over. This is how it always ends._

She waited for the final shot and flinched when the bang echoed across the room, but she was still there - she was still breathing. Now that she thought of it, the sound seemed distant, as if something muffled it. She plucked up the courage to open her eyes, and then gasped in shock at what she was seeing.

The Silence agent was standing in front of the Eleventh Doctor, smoke still venting out of the barrel of his revolver. The Doctor just stood against him, blood dripping from the wound above one of his hearts. Then she understood what had happened: the Doctor had used the teleport system to switch places with Clara, saving her own life but sacrificing himself.

Clara knew that no one could survive that; a bullet to the heart. She could do nothing else than watch as the Doctor fell to his knees, shaking with pain. The Silence agent didn't move, he was stunned, frozen, his hand still holding the revolver in front of the Doctor's chest. He had no bullets left.

Clara was horrified - she knew what had happened. She felt her heartbeat shaking her body as the Doctor grunted, trying to steady himself.

Then Clara saw it - a sudden bright light emanated from the Doctor's chest as he stood up, his wounds healing, the puncture above his left heart sealing itself. Clara didn't understand what was happening: how could he have survived that? She watched as the Doctor grabbed the Silence agent by the throat. The man gasped for air: how was the Doctor doing that? The man in a bow tie and waistcoat, tall and lanky, usually seemed very weak in appearance. However, his gaze and posture made him look intimidating, and he was now easily lifting the much larger Silence agent off his feet with surprising strength, still gripping him the by neck.

A golden glow was flickering from the Doctor's skin, his eyes fiery red, radiating with rage and fury. The Doctor screamed in Gallifreyan language at the man, a blood-freezing shriek of anger. As he shouted, he threw the eye-patched man across the room with immense force, breaking the latter's bones as he slammed against the 'unbreakable' glass that cracked upon impact.

Then he walked up to the collapsed man, and started speaking to him, his voice was calm and showed no emotion or any signs of injury.

"I gave you the chance, so many times. A chance to back down, to end this conflict. But, you are too stuck in your own ways to see your mistakes. Today, you did it again. After all my warnings, YOU DID IT AGAIN!" The Doctor was now shouting at the man, his voice echoing maliciously across the building. "YOU TRIED TO GET TO ME AGAIN, BY HURTING THE PEOPLE I LOVE!"

The Doctor seemed to calm down slightly.

"But no, no more second chances. You forced me into doing this, so I'm ending this."

His voice was now quiet, barely above a whisper, but Clara knew the Doctor well enough to hear the anger and fury searing out of his words, a fire that made him shake as he spoke, the fire that had destroyed entire armies in the Last Great Time War. His eyes were now aflame with hatred.

She saw what his enemies turned him into - the Oncoming Storm. He was potentially the most dangerous and powerful individual in the universe.

"When you meet your friends in hell, tell them I said 'hello,' won't you?"

Then the Doctor changed the setting on his sonic screwdriver. The diode was no longer green, it was now a dark red color. He pointed the sonic the man and activated it, and it emitted a high-pitched buzzing noise. The Silence agent shook violently for a few seconds before he flinched one last time, never moving again. The Silence had been defeated.

The Doctor stood up, finally controlling his anger. He was starting to regain control of his breathing. Clara couldn't believe what just happened. Did the universe finally show them mercy? _All the times we saved the universe, please_, she thought._ We're owed this one. Please, let him stay alive._

After a few seconds, the Doctor punched the five inch-thick glass, breaking the layers of it. He sprinted towards Clara and hugged her tightly.

"Clara, are you okay? You're okay. Oh... thank you. Oh, my impossible girl." he sighed with relief, still holding Clara.

Clara was amazed: he had done it again. He had saved her life again, against all odds. But how did he survive? She felt her nerves settling as she gripped him tightly, afraid of letting go. Her heart was now back in place. This man would never let her down, she knew that.

"Doctor, how did you do that? He shot you, you should be dead. Doctor?"

But when the Doctor broke away from her, she looked into his eyes. The fire was gone, but she noticed a pained expression in his eyes, something similar to grief and sorrow. He looked like he was holding back tears. Did he know something Clara didn't?

Suddenly, he grunted as one of his knees gave in: he almost fell to the floor.

"Doctor, what is it? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing... just... just get me to the TARDIS."

Clara took his hand and lead him back to his precious time machine: he stopped every few seconds as random parts of his body were giving him great pain. Once they reached the doors of the TARDIS, he staggered towards them, opening the doors as he fell through them, collapsing towards the floor.

"Doctor? Doctor, please, talk to me! What's wrong with you? Doctor?"

He grunted with pain as he lifted himself off the floor. He opened his eyes and looked at Clara for a few seconds before speaking to her in a gentle whisper.

"Clara... Oh, my Clara. Are you familiar... with the concept of... regeneration?"

Clara didn't understand, what was he talking about? "Of course I am, you told me all about it."

The Doctor smiled feebly. "Well, then... then you should know what is happening to me."

Clara froze. Her heart skipped a few beats - now she understood. He was about to change, these were the last moments of his life. She stared at him for a few seconds, her eyes wide with horror and sudden distress. As she reached to hold him, a faint glow started to emanate from his face.

"No, no. You can't, Doctor, YOU CAN'T."

"I have to... or else I'll die."

With great difficulty, he managed to get himself to his feet. He started walking slowly, towards the console, still intent on keeping his dignity. He took off his waistcoat and tossed it on the console. He was now in his light blue shirt and braces. His dark blue bow tie was still hanging off the collar of his neck. He looked at Clara.

"Clara... I'm so sorry."

"No. Don't say that." She refused to believe this was happening. "There must be a way, you can't die, there's another way, there always is!"

The Doctor grimaced bitterly. "Not this time." He tried to smile warmly. "Besides..." He winced slightly as his whole body shook. "I won't die, I'll just change, it will still be me." He was trying to look happy and cheerful, but Clara could see something else in the way he looked at her.

It was pain. Not pain because he would change, it was pain because he saw how much this affected Clara.

Tears were already streaming down her cheeks. She couldn't handle this, this was too much. She felt her heart was shaking, threatening to break.

"It won't... it won't be you."

The Doctor looked into her eyes. "Hey, now... it's okay. Whoever I become, whoever I change into, trust him. He will be me, in a way. He will still be the Doctor." he assured her.

Clara ran to him and cupped his face with her hands. She understood what was happening. His skin was already alarmingly warm.

"Yes, he will. He'll still be the Doctor. But not..." She tried to suppress a sob, but she failed. She was on the brink of weeping. "...not _my_ Doctor. I can't lose you now, after all we've done. I never..." Her voice was shaking, she couldn't think clearly. Raw emotions were now running through her veins.

The Doctor cupped her face and started speaking to her. His voice was barely above a whisper, but his words radiated with concern, care... and love.

"Clara."

Clara felt her heart warm as soon as he said that word. Clara was scared by how easily he calmed her with his presence. He had that kind of effect on her, he could comfort her so easily.

"Clara Oswin Oswald. We were great, weren't we? We were absolutely brilliant." A single tear rolled down his right cheek, and he made no move to wipe it away.

"My impossible girl. I probably have no idea what kind of pain this is giving you."

She immediately smiled. This was so ironic, so _him. _His whole body was burning with pain, but he was still concerned about how Clara felt. He was always so overprotective.

"But please. I can't see you like this. It breaks my hearts, and that isn't really healthy for what's about to happen." He chuckled nervously, but Clara understood.

She looked into his eyes, his magnificent eyes which could so easily go from a green color of an excited eight year-old to a pool of gray that belonged to a 1,200 years old, lonely, sad man.

The thing she saw most clearly in his gaze wasn't just genuine care and concern. A love, an undeniable, unbreakable and utter devotion to her, to Clara. She knew that this man could never let her down, that he would go to the end of the universe to make her happy, and she felt her heart flutter when he smiled at her.

"But you can't... not like this." she said, her voice shaking.

She struggled to express her feelings towards him. However, she knew that she wouldn't really have a second chance, so she said what the Doctor already probably knew. Their faces were inches away from each other.

"I love you, Doctor. So much. Please, I can't let you do this. Please..."

The Doctor put a finger gently over her mouth and tried to calm her.

"Shhh... it's okay."

He stroked her face, brushing his thumb against her cheeks and then against her lips. He looked at her. His Clara. His beautiful, impossible girl. Her big, round, brown eyes. Her nose, which so cutely wrinkled when she was confused. Her adorable dimples. Her pink lips, now shaking as she tried to stop her tears.

Then the Doctor slowly closed the distance between them, kissing her gently. His hands weren't flailing in every direction like they usually were, they knew where they were going. One hand settled in her brunette hair and the other on her waist. She was holding the back of his neck, afraid to let go. She could feel the warmth of regeneration energy on his lips. She could also feel the passion and love on his lips. The kiss lasted for a few seconds before the Doctor pulled back. The kiss wasn't a manifestation of lust or longing, she knew. It was a statement of pure love, devotion, affection and closeness.

Clara looked at him. His skin was now shining with a distinct golden glow. She couldn't believe how stupid she had been before, that she didn't show this man the affection he deserved. He rested his forehead against hers for a few seconds, before speaking, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Clara. My Clara," he began, his eyes holding back tears.

"My Doctor." Clara replied.

"I would say 'I love you' but that statement wouldn't _even __be__ close_ at expressing how I feel right now. For all the languages that I know, there are no words powerful enough to express how much I care for you, so, _so_ much. My impossible girl."

Clara felt her heart melt as the Doctor said this. He then pressed a kiss to her forehead and backed away from her, taking a few steps back. As he backed away, Clara felt her heart break as The Eleventh Doctor's breaths became ragged and labored and his hands now pulsing with a strong light. Then, he ripped the fabric of his shirt on his neck collar and ripped his dark blue bow tie away, tossing it to Clara who caught it.

"There you go. Something to remember me by." He grinned as his face was now pulsing with the energy of the Children of Gallifrey. Clara was barely coping with affection for this man, this mad, wonderful man.

Clara was now pleading with him, still in denial of what was happening. "Please... please don't go, Doctor, please."

The Doctor looked heartbroken as he spoke, his voice shaking.

"_Clara, please_. Smile for me."

Clara respected his final wish and gave the Doctor a warm smile. He then beamed at her, tears rolling down his face, as he raised his hands together, a fire already pulsing out of them. Clara knew that this was the moment. This was it. She took a good long look at his face, trying to make sure she would never forget him. She watched as his beautiful old eyes, his nose and his ridiculous chin were now glowing. The Doctor was watching Clara, their eyes were locked. He wouldn't let himself look at anything other then his Impossible Girl. The Doctor was trying to take in her beauty as he took one last, final breath.

Everything was still for a moment, there was no sound apart from the regeneration energy which started burning up inside his body, ready to explode at any moment.

The Eleventh Doctor whispered:

"Geronimo."

Then Clara's vision was blinded by a shower of bright golden light as the Doctor regenerated. She watched as he changed, several seconds passing before she heard a shout of pain from an unknown voice coming from the Doctor. His features were changing, his chin reducing, his hair becoming shorter and lighter. Then with a gasp, a man who looked much more different than the Doctor started panting and looking around.

Clara collapsed to the floor and she started weeping uncontrollably. She lost him, after all they've been through, _she lost him. _She realized she already missed him as the stranger wearing his clothes said:

"Hello, I'm the Doctor."

Clara muttered something to herself quietly.

"Yes. Yes, you are. But not _my_ Doctor."

* * *

She kept sobbing, cursing the cruelness of universe, not caring about her surroundings or the strange man trying to comfort her by standing awkwardly next to her. Nothing mattered anymore, not to her. She realized that she was holding something in her hands. When she saw what it was, she felt the kind words she heard a minute echo distinctly inside her mind.

_"There you go. Something to remember me by."_

It was the dark blue bow tie that had belonged to The Eleventh Doctor.

She was clutching in her hands, afraid to let go of it, this last connection to her dear Doctor. She took the bow tie and kissed it. Now weeping again with fresh tears, she swore to herself that she would never let that bow tie go, ever again.

Then the colors of the TARDIS started disappearing. Her consciousness couldn't handle the vast emotions that were tugging at her head and heart, so she let herself pass out. She found herself fading out of this reality. She didn't really mind.

She didn't want to stay there anyway.

* * *

Clara opened her eyes. She was in a bed, wearing different clothes than before. She frowned. She then noticed that she was sweating and that she had been crying not twenty seconds ago.

_What...?_

She looked around. She was in her room aboard the TARDIS; the Doctor made her a proper bed to recover in, since what happened at Trenzalore.

Clara was confused. What was going on? She was in the console room not a minute ago!

She thought about it? _Was it all a dream?_ She felt herself tense with the anticipation: _Was this a dream, is my Doctor still here, or did he regenerate?_

She had only one way of finding out. She started pulling the sheets off of her, ready to find the Doctor to find out was it real, when she heard something.

A voice.

She smiled to herself, her eyes already filling with tears of joy.

For that voice was the most caring, loving and beautiful voice in the world. It was a voice she thought she would never hear again. She thought that she imagined it, but the voice became louder and louder. It was accompanied by the loud thuds of someone's shoes, stomping the floor like someone was running for his life. It became louder and louder as something or someone was sprinting towards her room. But all she could hear was that voice, calling out for her, saying her name.

"Clara. Clara! Clara!"

The thumping noise became louder and louder as someone neared her room.

_Moment of truth_, Clara thought to herself.

* * *

Then the door burst open, and a strong white light blinded Clara. However, she could clearly see a very concerned face looking at her.

The Eleventh Doctor was standing in the door frame, still in his waistcoat. Clara gasped in joy, grinned broadly, tears still falling down her face as the man rushed to her bed and starting soothing her.

"Clara. Clara, are you okay? Another nightmare? Again?"

Clara jumped out of her covers and lunged at the Doctor, and she hugged him fiercely, almost choking the poor man. She couldn't describe how good it felt to hold him again, this man, this incredible, wonderful, mad man. She was gasping in relief, still not believing that he was actually here. However, she didn't want to pull back yet, she was afraid he would just vanish.

"Clara?"

"Yes?"

"That hurts, let me go."

She smiled to herself as tears were streaming down her face, but they were tears of joy. "Let you go? Not a chance."

She pulled away from the hug, and examined the Doctor's face, using her hands, to make sure this wasn't the dream. His facial expression showed total confusion, but he actually didn't mind this kind of close contact. She looked at him: he was still there: the ridiculous chin, his warm smile and his loving eyes were still there. She grinned and hugged him again. He chuckled nervously and held her, surprised with Clara suddenly reciprocating his affection for her.

"What happened? Why are you being so... huggy?"

"I just had the worst nightmare of my life." she told him.

The Doctor murmured "Oh, Clara, I'm sorry." He was stroking her back with his hands, and Clara felt a surge of warmth and relief rush through her body.

"It seemed so real. It was horrible."

The Doctor started stroking her hair, trying his best to keep her safe and happy.

"I'm so sorry. But, you seem very... relieved. If you don't mind me asking...what was it about?"

Clara's breath caught.

The Doctor probably didn't know how she felt about him, and she was concerned about his reaction if she told him what her dream had been about. However, the dream had taught her one thing - we must treasure and cherish the time we spend with the people we love. Clara knew that now better than ever.

The Doctor sensed Clara tensing and immediately started apologizing. "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer that, it was stupid to ask, it's none of my business..." He kept muttering apologies into her hair, until Clara pulled him away from her and looked him in the eyes.

_If you don't tell him now, you probably never will._

Her gaze showing sheer determination, she looked at the Doctor and gave him her most reassuring smile. Then she pushed the Doctor to the bed so he would lie down and then she jumped on top of him, leaned to his face and put her arms around his neck. The Doctor blushed and his brow furrowed in confusion.

"Clara, that's - this isn't what I meant, wha-" he tried to speak, but Clara interrupted him by pulling him into a fierce kiss, crashing her lips against his.

His arms started flailing wildly in reflex, his limbs desperately trying to wiggle out of this position. However, once he saw there were no means of escape since Clara basically pinned him to the bed, he moaned in pleasure, letting himself enjoy it.

He melted into the kiss, his hands settling on her waist and his lips letting themselves lean into it.

Once she felt him relax, they deepened the kiss. She removed her hands from the back of his neck and ran them over his face, then through his hair, just to show him how much she liked this new level of closeness. The Doctor used his right hand to cuddle her hair and pull her in closer, and used his left hand to stroke her face, cupping her cheek.

They didn't part until they required oxygen. Clara pulled away first. They were both breathing heavily. Then she positioned herself more comfortably, but still trapping him, not giving him a chance to run away. She snuggled closer to him, wrapping her arms and legs around him. She looked at him and tapped his chin with her index finger. She laughed when she saw the look on the Doctor's face.

He seemed flustered and incredibly embarrassed, his cheeks completely red. He tried to break free, but Clara held on to him too tightly. He seemed incredibly uncomfortable. Still, he couldn't suppress a childish giggle as he gave in and put his arms around Clara, pressing her to him. He let out a sigh of happiness.

Clara was usually annoyed by the fact that the Doctor was so scared of intimate contact, but she was pleasantly surprised by his reactions. Clara smiled broadly into his neck, then settled her head on his chest, and she felt his hearts beating swiftly, still full of excitement. Clara and the Doctor struggled to catch breath. She inhaled his scent to make sure he was there - relief showering over her as she knew now for sure that the nightmare wasn't real.

The Doctor broke the comfortable silence. His voice sounded squeaky and a few octaves higher than usual.

"Uh, Cla-Clara? Tha-tha-that was nice, bu-but why? Not that I didn't like it, that was brilliant, I-I-" he stammered.

Clara placed her index finger against his mouth, shushing him. Then she just took a deep breath and said:

"My nightmare... it was about you. I dreamt of losing you."

The Doctor froze for a few seconds, presumably he began to understand why Clara was being so affectionate. Clara blushed while waiting for him to process the information. Then he tightened his grip around Clara, holding her even tighter.

"Clara, my Clara. I'm so sorry. I'm here now, I'm not going anywhere." The Doctor then nuzzled his nose against Clara's hair and kissed it. Then he pulled stray threads of her beautiful hair out of her face.

"Clara, you have no idea how much you mean to me... I love you, impossible girl." he muttered.

Clara tensed, feeling her heart skipping a beat.

_Did he just say that? Did the Doctor, the person terrified of anything related to emotions, just say that?_

She pulled slightly away from the Doctor and her smile was wiped away. However, when she looked him in his concerned and loving eyes, she felt herself giving in, her heart melting with delight. She knew her response as soon as she heard what he said.

Her trick stopped working a long time ago, ever since she hugged him in that sinking submarine.

She grinned, ruffled the Doctor's flop of hair that dangled above his right eyebrow and she kissed his cheek, her lips lingering on his skin for a few seconds after, and then whispering into it:

"I love you too."

The Doctor grinned so widely, Clara was afraid his jaw would break. However, he just pulled her into another tight hug as she rested her face in the crook of his neck. She listened to his heartbeats and wondered had she ever been happier in her whole life.

"Doctor?"

"Hmmm?"

"Just promise me something."

She felt him smile into her hair. "Anything for you."

"Don't leave me. Not yet." There was a plea in her voice.

He pulled back slightly to rest his forehead against hers, and then briefly brushed her lips with his own. Clara was dazed by his caring nature and she smiled as he hugged her again and whispered into her ear:

"You think I'd leave you? Clara Oswald..."

"...Never."

* * *

**A/N: The end!**

**I cried several times while writing this. :P**

**RANT INCOMING, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.**

So, I wrote this to vent my distress about Matt Smith leaving, because it most probably means a few more episodes and no more whouffle.

The last episode I saw before Matt Smith said he's going to leave was 'The Angels Take Manhattan.' When I heard the news of his departure, I thought to myself "Well, then. At least this means the show will give him closure and a proper goodbye to us in Series 7b." And I was intrigued by hordes of whovians that started shipping whouffle, so I decided to watch the Clara episodes.

And then I watched series 7b, I loved it, only to realize that I was completely wrong - it offered 0 closure and it didn't seem 11 is going to regenerate. It was completely the opposite, Doctor/Clara interactions were starting to define him in a very interesting and fun way, I found myself shipping whouffle A LOT, not to mention that Matt became more and more awesome as time passed in episodes like 'Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS' and 'Nightmare in Silver'. When I watched 'The Name of the Doctor,' I was already looking forward to and expecting more whouffle and more Matt Smith in series 8.

And then I remembered that Matt is leaving soon, and that's why I realized that it's a huge mistake. Basically, he chose to leave right before what would probably have been an epic conclusion to the 11th Doctor's story. Also, he became a much more pleasant character - his chemistry with Jenna was breathtaking. And like the BBC are trying to screw us over intentionally, they choose to end the relationship after half a season. And instead of watching his last season and watching his last moments, we're forced to settle with probably only one regeneration scene to give us closure.

That's why I'm so sad about this - Matt Smith is **BRILLIANT** and there will probably never be another Doctor like him. I'm sad because there's so much that could have been, no, that **SHOULD have been** in series 8 with him (and Clara).

I wasn't stupid, I knew Matt had to leave eventually, but this is probably the worst moment he could have picked to do that. Basically, the 11th Doctor is being torn away violently from us at **THE WORST TIME POSSIBLE and it hurts.** :( I already had to give money to my roommate so he would pay fixing the wall in our flat - when I realized that there won't be a series 8 with Matt, I punched the wall in frustration and actually broke it. (I'm male and quite bulky)

So, to anyone out there who is sad about Matt Smith leaving, I just want to tell you. Trust me, **I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL**, you are not alone. You can try to cling on to false hopes like me, and believe that the BBC is merely teasing us.

**Anyway, thanks for reading my rant, I hope you enjoyed reading, any kind of feedback appreciated.**

**Bye guys!**


	2. Just an update

Hey guys, just wanted to say that any of you would like to talk about these kind of things, I'm open, just message me and try to bear through this. I also wrote a short rant at the end of the last chapter.

Bye.


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